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have often wondered how the main characters and events in biblical and ancient times would have been affected if automobiles had been available back then. Adam and Eve would have just gone for a joyride in Adam's convertible Chevy two-door coupe. He couldn't have taken his father's car.
Would Eve have been necessary at all if Adam had wheels? Adam wouldn't have waited around long enough to be banished from the Garden of Eden, he would have driven across Mesopotamia in search of his fortune and maybe an ocean assuming surfboarding was his true love. What type of car would Noah have driven? A Chevy 4 by 4 with “bucket” seats. I can see the sign now, “Ark Parking, six drachmas for the first half hour, four drachmas for each additional hour.” Imagine guys driving off after forty days and nights, three thousand drachmas? “I should have gone to long-term parking. Yeh, but the car would have been flooded.”
What about Joshua? A bulldozer or maybe a half track. King David, a Buick Regal. Moses? First guy on the desert to buy foreign. A Japanese. Would have made the Pharaoh mad as hell. You knew it would screw up the whole balance of payments, create the world's first trade deficit. I figure Jesus for a minivan with room for all the apostles. He would be the first to have to endure the misery of eleven back seat drivers. Napoleon most surely would have driven a Cadillac coupe de Ville, with power windows, power brakes, power seats, power sun roof, and the ego plate “Waterloo or Bust.” Louis XIV's bumper sticker might have read “cake's good too.” Madam de Farge's could have been “I brake for knitters.” DeSade would have surely driven a Marquis, Copernicus an Eclipse, DeSoto a DeSoto, and of course, LaSalle, a Lasalle. Alexander the Great took driving lessons from Ben Hur driving school. Passed his dune test first time out. Ever try parallel parking between two camels? That's why he was called Alexander the Great.
Recently I've been pondering what effect the telephone would have if we inserted it into ancient history. Cleopatra and an answering machine. “Antony and I are unable to come to the phone right now.“ The phone most certainly would have rung just as Bathseba was getting into the tub. Jonah could have called 911 for help from inside the whale with one of those portable cellular jobs. The course of event probably would have been altered drastically by Bell's invention. Joseph could have reached out and called Jacob long- distance from Egypt on Sunday at discount rates. Abraham would have phoned his nephew in Sodom to warm him of God's coming vengeance. Lot's wife would have been shopping by phone and not looking back. Hey, if Mary and Joseph had a car phone they could have called ahead for a reservation ...
How would a chain of Howard Johnson motels have impacted ancient history? Now let's see ...
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